Wonder Love

I found this picture again. I love this picture. I can see his dimple and the total wonder of his face. Not just the sweet smile. There's the boy with the gift of animals. He can feel a space and a beings mood almost instantly.

This was taken last December in California at Maggie's. I cannot believe it's been almost a year. He is so young looking here. So big. However, in this photo I see the essence of my child. The whole being and the utter love I have for this wonder. I get to witness this person everyday.

I Felt Like Things Would Be Alright

one pic to make you smile

Showed him and I told him how he struck me but I'm Fucked up now.........

Just change the "she" to a "he" and that's how I feel

There must be somethingIn the way I feel

That she don't want me to feel

The stare she bares cut me

I don't care

You see so what if I bleed

I could never change

Just what I feel

My face will never show

What is not real

A mountain never seems to have

The need to speak

A look that shares so many seek

The sweetest feeling

I got from youThe things

I said to you were true

I could never change

Just what I feel

My face will never show

What is not real

I could have lied I'm such a fool

My eyes could never never never

Keep their cool

Showed her and I told her how

She struck me but I'm fucked up now

But now she's gone yes she's gone away

A soulful song

That would not stay

You see she hides 'cause she is scared

But I don't care

I won't be spared

I could have lied I'm such a fool

My eyes could never never never

Keep their cool

Showed her and I told her how

She struck me but I'm fucked up now

I could have lied I'm such a fool

My eyes could never never never

Keep their cool

Showed her and I told her how

She struck me but I'm fucked up now

breath catches

The sight of someone's name, should it make me breathless?
On paper, online, in text, on phone? It's been quite a trip, this emotional let-down, evoking the feeling of my milk dropping down, the relief of feeding, nurishing my son. I want to feed my fervent emotions, to release them, to shine, to blind with the stunning glow errupting from my heart. Share my breath, catching all the way to my spine. I beg of you, let me.

I dig this

I have to admit I have a thing for the lead singer in THIS video, hehe. Ohh, the song has been stuck in my head for some time. So happy they are coming to Eugene!!!

Cosmic dance

So intense
I am on another plane of existence.
One of pure feeling and neurological impulses. Mind streaming serotonin and adrenaline.
Neurons firing in a pattern that hits me with the full force
of the
millions of years that it took to become
me.

SCHOOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!

Primal

Primal
felt insecure
Cause you said maybe I couldn't hear over me
I guess that might have been a turn-off?
Then, you had your moment
and I did not know
So, I was foolishly continuing with language
the talk
fool, fool, fool

I am sad cause
I wanna hear you
wanna feel you
in your moment

The primal in me
wanting to watch you
hear you

How to go from thinking
of you
touching me
my leg, wait, thigh
to touching my
body
and
thinking of
you
against
me

You see
even the thought of
being near
you
can give me a
moment

Not even the actual act has
occurred
in my mind
I am still on
feeling you
smelling you
being near you
I am

A Poem For A Student Lost

Written by my friend and co-worker LaVonne Chue
A former student at the school I work at passed away(16). I did not know her, but know her younger siblings(1st grade). However, this has affected many wonderful people I work with at the school. It is incredibly sad, but through support, I am hoping for some calm and understanding. Please keep them in your thoughts. Peace.

I wish you knew
Tomorrow would be better.
That life is full of disappointment
and victories.
I wish you knew how your smile
was so contagious
and your bright eyes put people at ease.


I wish you had a chanceto experience more.
Love, independence, responsibility
and your own power.
I wish we knew
you were hurting inside.
You put on such a
Strong front.


I wish I knew
How I could have helped.
How can we see
what is in your thoughts behind the brown eyes and perfect smile.


How can we create a spark of light
When the world is dark and desperate.


I wish you knew
How losing you
Will make me try harder
Make me think smarter
about the world and how words
will change a mind
and how a little compliment
might warm a saddened heart.


I wish you new,
I wish we knew,
I wish you weren’t gone.

What happens when you forget how to communicate?

I know this. I have done this. Why can't I remember? This mini-article refocused me. Actually, NVC is harder than you would think. I took a class. Had index cards to help me. Soon, it faded into the background. It's tough to keep up NVC when those around you do not understand, or just don't respond to your patience. Or, they just don't respond in kind. However, it's about stating what you observe, feel, need and request. So, ultimately, you have stayed peaceful and got it off your chest. Plus, the other person feels empathy and resolve with you.

Unfortunately, I let another have a bit of power over me. Thus, the non-violent communication went out the window. I was hurt, and I responded. Almost like the fight or flight went off in my brain.

Today, I can remember and stay focused on understanding, love and compassion.


Peace to you!!




The Non-Violent Communication Process

The+Non-Violent+Communication+Process

To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas–referred to as the four components of the NVC (non-violent communication) model.


First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation–to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.
Four components of NVC:


1. observation

2. feeling

3. needs

4. request


Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.


For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms which we share in common.”


She would follow immediately with the fourth component–a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.


Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing, and then discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece, their request. As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned, and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting to enrich your life.

Neurological Differences

Heightened Level Of Amygdala Activity May Cause Social Deficits In Autism
ScienceDaily (2009-03-24) -- An increased pattern of brain activity in the amygdalas of adults with autism that may be linked to the social deficits that typically are associated with the disorder. Previous research has shown that abnormal growth patterns in the amygdala are commonly found among young children diagnosed with autism. ... > read full article

"This is another piece of evidence that there is something wrong with the amygdala in autism that contributes to social impairment. These results help refine our understanding of functional abnormalities in autism and are a new way of thinking about social dysfunction in autism," said Kleinhans'

I prefer differences rather tham abnormality. However, there is a striking difference between people with autism in regards to the amygdala and social interaction.

A MOTHER'S RESPONSE:

http://autism.change.org/blog/view/the_amygdala_and_autism

The Amygdala and Autism
by Kristina Chew
Published March 25, 2009 @ 02:15PM PST
Numerous articles about autism research in neuroscience, genetics, and other fields are regularly published. Some of them are presented in press releases and news articles, often with some indication of how the research might contribute to the creation of new treatments (such as medications) for those with autism. I turn to these studies principally to learn a bit more about how things are for Charlie; about why some of his struggles seem to arise "out of the blue" and for reasons that aren't immediately explainable.
The American Journal of Psychiatry has recently published a study about autism and hyperactivity and overarousal in the amygdala, an almond-shaped structure of the human brain that is linked with a person's mental and emotional states. In studying 19 individuals with autism and 20 adults who were not on the spectrum, researchers from the University of Washington found that, when looking at a series of human faces, "..... brain activation in adults with autism remains elevated long after similar brain regions of typically developed adults have stopped being activated," as noted in Science Daily. Further:
The amygdala is popularly associated with the "fight-or-flight response" in dangerous situations. But it has other functions, including identifying faces and situations and evaluating social information such as emotions.
The new research shows that brain activation in adults with autism remains elevated long after similar brain regions of typically developed adults have stopped being activated when exposed to a series of pictures of human faces. A decrease in activation over time to the same type of information is called neural habituation and is connected with learning, according to Natalia Kleinhans, lead author of the new study and a UW research assistant professor of radiology.
............................."If you consider that habituation reflects learning in as simple a task as looking at a face, slowness to habituate in people with autism may contribute even more markedly to difficulty with more complex social interactions and social cognition. If the brain is not reacting typically to a static face with a neutral expression, you can imagine how difficult it may be for someone with autism to pick up more subtle social cues."
It's this noting of "hyperarousal" and overactivation in response to "socially relevant stimuli" that draws my attention. Sometimes it seems that there are only extremes to things with Charlie. One moment no one could be happier, more excited, jumping up and down and all huge smiles; the next, he might be down on the ground wailing and miserable. Sometimes we use the word "mood swings" to explain these, but I've wondered if something else might be afoot----that there's some connections that aren't happening, that are taking too long too happen, that happen too suddenly and all at once.
We actually are taking Charlie to a different neurologist today. His current neurologist----whom we have seen for so long and with whom all three of us have a good rapport----is wonderful. But we've felt that we have to keep looking into everything for Charlie and, in particular, to look more closely at his medications and the potential effects of the changes brought with adolescence.
Last night I worked my way through the 17-page new patient form and dug out old reports, behavior intervention plans, and IEPs and reviewed them: A lot of paperwork on this kid, that's for sure and yet how little we still know and seek to learn in whatever ways possible---you never can stop trying

The mix tape

Sittin by the window listening to the radio. Fingers on REC, waiting for that song to play. Come on now, ya, a bit of DJ intro and then, bam! "Brothers sisters we don't need this fascist groooove thing!" "Don't watch that, watch this. The heavy heavy monster sound. One step beyoooond." ahhh, the timing, the need. Then, the mix tape!! Oh yeahhhhhh. I remember them well. Love, madness, intoxication.

My friend Bill made me a rad mix tape in high school. Some Frank Zappa, "she's only 13 and she knows how to nasty." The doors, "Break on through, break on through, break, break." Some Beatles, "listen to the color of your dreams, is it not living, is it not living." The Cocteau Twins with their ethereal non-language singing. What a trip.

Best friends tape, punk of course! "Welcome to Der Wiener Schnitzel can I take your order please!" "To drunk to fuck, I'm to drunk to drunk to fuuuckkk." Hahaha, gettin chili fries at Tommy's in her blue 64 and a half Mustang. Sweeet.

She had all the angst and I had all the love, yaaaaa.

I still have some of those tapes of nightly sessions by the radio and turntable. The simple joy of dancing to the mix tape that made your body flyyyyyyy.

pain eases

I have the beginning of a migraine. The left side is pulsating, the back of my head and neck are searching for answers. Yet again, damn serotonin.

The pain is actually welcome tonight. Dulls the other pain that plagues me. It's a bit better. I don't feel like someone kicked me in the stomach, but the questions might never be answered, so why bother. It's amazing how you can become lost. Drunkenly lost. Glass half-full lost.

Reminds me that I am still here, alive and feeling, face in the sun.

Tonight, the pain eases, with pain. Tomorrow, the pain may return, but I will prevail. Even through my empathic ways.

anticipation

It's quite amazing how the sight of an email appearing in my inbox can make me smile.
Or the giddy excitement of a text message. Walking around wondering what to text back. All the while a silly grin on my face.
When we do finally toss aside the new technology for good 'ol telephone conversation, the silence is golden. Hehe. Nervous energy and chuckles. Slowly opening up and finding that any connection, be it a phone line, or a computer, is a way of finding home.
Now, about this knock at the door. Could I really stand there and wait? Or would I run and hide behind a tree, too red in the face to actually say hi.
The feeling of seeing your face and hearing your voice right in front of me.
Realizing you are indeed real, and there waiting for me.

Which one could it be?? The new adjective in my life

Akward

 /ˈɔkwərd/ [awk-werd]
–adjective
1.
lacking skill or dexterity; clumsy.
2.
lacking grace or ease in movement: an awkward gesture; an awkward dancer.
3.
lacking social graces or manners: a simple, awkward frontiersman.
4.
not well planned or designed for easy or effective use: an awkward instrument; an awkward method.
5.
requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous: an awkward turn in the road.
6.
hard to deal with; difficult; requiring skill, tact, or the like: an awkward situation; an awkward customer.
7.
embarrassing or inconvenient; caused by lack of social grace: an awkward moment
8.
Obsolete. untoward; perverse.

Dreams

It is the immensity, I believe. The hugeness of things below. The darkness of dreams~Gaiman
Dreams are free, so free your dreams. ~Astrid Alauda

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman

when giggling happens

It simply cannot cease. The silly feeling I get in the realm of me belly. The light head, the tingling. Even before I heard your voice, I was hooked, like a deep sea being living in darkness for millions of years. Slowly I am being lifted to this time. This millennium. Trembling in anticipation of that first breath of sea air.

(impulsive. Written under a minute).

Twilight fun

I was a bit shocked to get Alice. Then again, I am fiesty and cute ;p
I do like her character in the series. Her spirit and energy gave the novels needed sparks.
I am on Jacob's team.
The books are at times redundant and focus on typical high school banter.
However, I was a sucker for a love story. I remember the tingles and longing for another during this time in my life.
Actually, I still feel tingles and longing.
Lately, I have been giggly and grinning a bit more.........

A Walk in the Fog